Saturday, January 9, 2010
Outlawing Emotional Abuse?
This is an interesting story. Is this necessary? It is even doable? What do you think?
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Handling Conflict Head-on but Humbly
Conflict.
Powerful word. Some people are scared of it and will go to any extreme to avoid it. Others love it and will sacrifice anything for the thrill of being in it. It brings out the best and worst in all of us, providing the opportunity to empty ourselves of our rights for the good of another or assert ourselves at another's expense. It comes in many different forms, from world war enveloping scores of nations to the solitary war within our own heart over whether to buy that pack of chewing gum in the checkout line. As frightening as the word is, one thing is certain in this fallen world: conflict is inevitable. It started when the word of the serpent conflicted with the Word of God and the Word of God conflicted with Eve's desire to be God and Adam conflicted with Eve over whose fault it was and Eve conflicted with the serpent for setting her up and God conflicted with all of them by cursing the world and all of their descendants. And we've all been in conflict ever since.
As a pastor, I must confess that there have been times when I've rushed too quickly into conflict. I've done this for all sorts of reasons - out of fear something bad would happen if I waited or out of a desire to be vindicated or in order to "strike while the iron's hot." This has damaged relationships that could have been spared. I must also confess other times when I've put off a conflict that should have happened sooner. I've done this out of fear something bad would happen if I confronted or out of a desire to trample lightly on the feelings of others or just out of plain laziness. This also has damaged relationships that could have been spared. I have a natural desire to avoid conflict, yet at times compensate for that by forcing myself into it half-prepared just so I can say I'm not scared of a little conflict.
In spite of the unwise and even sinful ways I've dealt with conflict, there are also times when I think I've handled conflict in very God-honoring ways. The results are sometimes the same as when I've handled it sinfully. The relationship is damaged, but at least I can rest in knowing that it's in God's hands to fix it or not. The relationship isn't damaged by my sinful handling of the conflict, but by reasons out of my control. It is my prayer that all of us can do less rushing into conflict and less avoiding it when it is necessary. I hope God in his grace will show us a still more excellent way.
In The Pursuit of Pleasure in the Pleasure of Another, I deal with conflict in Chapter 8 Forgiveness: Guardian of Marital Bliss. I give extensive counsel for husbands and wives in the midst of conflict. I relied heavily on a book by Ken Sande entitled The Peacemaker. I think Sande's book is the best book on God-centered conflict resolution that there is outside of Scripture. The reason it is so good is because it is so dependent upon Scripture.
The Bible tells us what our goals should be in conflict and how to resolve them in a God-glorifying, Christ-honoring way. I'll lay out a little of the process here.
1) Conflict is unavoidable in a fallen world because it's part of the curse. God will not allow this world to be non-conflicted in its rebellion against him. So the question isn't whether we can get through this life without conflict. We can't as long as we are in relationships with other people. The question is much more simple - who will get the glory from the conflicts we have? In a conflict, either I get the glory, you get the glory, Satan gets the glory or God gets the glory. Those are the options. If either you or I get the glory, then Satan gets the glory automatically. I would propose that if Christians aren't very careful, Satan will get the glory more than God from our conflicts. So the most important thing to do in any conflict is make the conscious decision that God will get the glory from the conflict. Don't go through the situation on auto-pilot.
2) Conflict isn't anything to be afraid of. Jesus tells his disciples not to fear man. Fear God. Most sinful handling of conflict is out of fear. I pointed that out in my confession above. Whether I rushed into conflict or avoided it like the plague, it was often out of fear. If God is going to get the glory in conflict, then his followers can't be afraid of it because that will lead to sinful handling of it. So make it a priority to face conflict head-on, but humbly. Head-on BUT humbly.
3) Ken Sande defines conflict as "a difference in opinion or purpose that frustrates someone's goals or desires." This is an excellent definition because it fits with world war or when you gently disagree with your wife over Mexican or Chinese food for lunch. By that definition, how many times a day are you in conflict with another? Often. When those conflicts come up, you may wrong someone else - snap at her or cut off relationship with him or punish in some way - in which case you should humbly confess your sin to the other person. Don't be afraid that confessing makes you look weak or stupid or mean. Everyone knows you're a loser because Christ had to come and die for you. We're all in the same boat. However, when you've searched your heart in light of Scripture, and perhaps had others confirm that you're in the right (without gossip and slander!), then be ready to forgive the sins of the other person, even when the other person doesn't seem to care.
4) Only the gospel of Jesus Christ can truly resolve conflict because any other form of resolution skirts around the main issue; namely, that we're in conflict with other people because we're in conflict with God and are cursed because of it. The gospel is how Jesus resolved the conflict between God and man and how he expects his followers to resolve conflicts with one another. The gospel condemns us so that we don't have to justify ourselves before others, and the gospel justifies us so that we don't have to face the condemnation of others. We are free to confront, free to confess and free to forgive because that's exactly what God did to us in the Gospel.
5) Jesus resolved the conflict between God and man by taking the destructive effects of the conflict upon himself and bearing it fully on the cross. Jesus ended the conflict by forgiving the wrong. When forgiveness happens, the wrong doesn't just go away. It is absorbed by the forgiver. In other words, forgiveness comes with a cost. It cost Jesus the cross and all the humiliation he suffered before it. This is the example that Jesus tells his disciples to follow. However, most Christians try their hardest to be credited with forgiving without actually having to bear any cost for it. They say they forgive, but secretly store away the wrong in their memory somewhere like Gollum stroking his precious ring. So the relationship remains strained forever. True forgiveness simply doesn't work that way. When Jesus forgave you, he accepted you forever, never to let your sins resurface in his mind. You went from scarlet to white as snow forever. When we have our way with those who wrong us, their sins go from scarlet to a kind of dingy gray or off-white that always reminds us of their past wrongs. Just let them be white! Don't force them to be forever gray in your eyes.
6) Forgiveness has nothing to do with the size of the offense. If you can only forgive little things, then you don't yet appreciate how great your sin is before God who forgave you. Go back to Bible 101. Christ went through hell to forgive you because your sin against him is infinitely atrocious. No one has wronged you like you've wronged God. You aren't nearly as worthy of honor as God. So the next time you're tempted to think, "How dare he do that to me? What's the matter with him?" come down off your high horse and forgive like Christ.
Conflict has been on my mind a lot in the past year. I've been forced to think long and hard about how I've personally handled conflict with others and the damage that has been done. And I've seen others in the midst of conflict suffer the slings and arrows, not of outrageous misfortune, but of one another's hard heartedness. But through the gospel of Jesus Christ, we can face conflict head-on but humbly with a power that can only come from God. If God can turn his conflict with rebellious man into an eternal bride and the conflict with Saul into the apostle Paul and the conflict between Jews and Gentiles into the church, surely he can handle anything we throw his way. Don't you believe it?
Powerful word. Some people are scared of it and will go to any extreme to avoid it. Others love it and will sacrifice anything for the thrill of being in it. It brings out the best and worst in all of us, providing the opportunity to empty ourselves of our rights for the good of another or assert ourselves at another's expense. It comes in many different forms, from world war enveloping scores of nations to the solitary war within our own heart over whether to buy that pack of chewing gum in the checkout line. As frightening as the word is, one thing is certain in this fallen world: conflict is inevitable. It started when the word of the serpent conflicted with the Word of God and the Word of God conflicted with Eve's desire to be God and Adam conflicted with Eve over whose fault it was and Eve conflicted with the serpent for setting her up and God conflicted with all of them by cursing the world and all of their descendants. And we've all been in conflict ever since.
As a pastor, I must confess that there have been times when I've rushed too quickly into conflict. I've done this for all sorts of reasons - out of fear something bad would happen if I waited or out of a desire to be vindicated or in order to "strike while the iron's hot." This has damaged relationships that could have been spared. I must also confess other times when I've put off a conflict that should have happened sooner. I've done this out of fear something bad would happen if I confronted or out of a desire to trample lightly on the feelings of others or just out of plain laziness. This also has damaged relationships that could have been spared. I have a natural desire to avoid conflict, yet at times compensate for that by forcing myself into it half-prepared just so I can say I'm not scared of a little conflict.
In spite of the unwise and even sinful ways I've dealt with conflict, there are also times when I think I've handled conflict in very God-honoring ways. The results are sometimes the same as when I've handled it sinfully. The relationship is damaged, but at least I can rest in knowing that it's in God's hands to fix it or not. The relationship isn't damaged by my sinful handling of the conflict, but by reasons out of my control. It is my prayer that all of us can do less rushing into conflict and less avoiding it when it is necessary. I hope God in his grace will show us a still more excellent way.
In The Pursuit of Pleasure in the Pleasure of Another, I deal with conflict in Chapter 8 Forgiveness: Guardian of Marital Bliss. I give extensive counsel for husbands and wives in the midst of conflict. I relied heavily on a book by Ken Sande entitled The Peacemaker. I think Sande's book is the best book on God-centered conflict resolution that there is outside of Scripture. The reason it is so good is because it is so dependent upon Scripture.
The Bible tells us what our goals should be in conflict and how to resolve them in a God-glorifying, Christ-honoring way. I'll lay out a little of the process here.
1) Conflict is unavoidable in a fallen world because it's part of the curse. God will not allow this world to be non-conflicted in its rebellion against him. So the question isn't whether we can get through this life without conflict. We can't as long as we are in relationships with other people. The question is much more simple - who will get the glory from the conflicts we have? In a conflict, either I get the glory, you get the glory, Satan gets the glory or God gets the glory. Those are the options. If either you or I get the glory, then Satan gets the glory automatically. I would propose that if Christians aren't very careful, Satan will get the glory more than God from our conflicts. So the most important thing to do in any conflict is make the conscious decision that God will get the glory from the conflict. Don't go through the situation on auto-pilot.
2) Conflict isn't anything to be afraid of. Jesus tells his disciples not to fear man. Fear God. Most sinful handling of conflict is out of fear. I pointed that out in my confession above. Whether I rushed into conflict or avoided it like the plague, it was often out of fear. If God is going to get the glory in conflict, then his followers can't be afraid of it because that will lead to sinful handling of it. So make it a priority to face conflict head-on, but humbly. Head-on BUT humbly.
3) Ken Sande defines conflict as "a difference in opinion or purpose that frustrates someone's goals or desires." This is an excellent definition because it fits with world war or when you gently disagree with your wife over Mexican or Chinese food for lunch. By that definition, how many times a day are you in conflict with another? Often. When those conflicts come up, you may wrong someone else - snap at her or cut off relationship with him or punish in some way - in which case you should humbly confess your sin to the other person. Don't be afraid that confessing makes you look weak or stupid or mean. Everyone knows you're a loser because Christ had to come and die for you. We're all in the same boat. However, when you've searched your heart in light of Scripture, and perhaps had others confirm that you're in the right (without gossip and slander!), then be ready to forgive the sins of the other person, even when the other person doesn't seem to care.
4) Only the gospel of Jesus Christ can truly resolve conflict because any other form of resolution skirts around the main issue; namely, that we're in conflict with other people because we're in conflict with God and are cursed because of it. The gospel is how Jesus resolved the conflict between God and man and how he expects his followers to resolve conflicts with one another. The gospel condemns us so that we don't have to justify ourselves before others, and the gospel justifies us so that we don't have to face the condemnation of others. We are free to confront, free to confess and free to forgive because that's exactly what God did to us in the Gospel.
5) Jesus resolved the conflict between God and man by taking the destructive effects of the conflict upon himself and bearing it fully on the cross. Jesus ended the conflict by forgiving the wrong. When forgiveness happens, the wrong doesn't just go away. It is absorbed by the forgiver. In other words, forgiveness comes with a cost. It cost Jesus the cross and all the humiliation he suffered before it. This is the example that Jesus tells his disciples to follow. However, most Christians try their hardest to be credited with forgiving without actually having to bear any cost for it. They say they forgive, but secretly store away the wrong in their memory somewhere like Gollum stroking his precious ring. So the relationship remains strained forever. True forgiveness simply doesn't work that way. When Jesus forgave you, he accepted you forever, never to let your sins resurface in his mind. You went from scarlet to white as snow forever. When we have our way with those who wrong us, their sins go from scarlet to a kind of dingy gray or off-white that always reminds us of their past wrongs. Just let them be white! Don't force them to be forever gray in your eyes.
6) Forgiveness has nothing to do with the size of the offense. If you can only forgive little things, then you don't yet appreciate how great your sin is before God who forgave you. Go back to Bible 101. Christ went through hell to forgive you because your sin against him is infinitely atrocious. No one has wronged you like you've wronged God. You aren't nearly as worthy of honor as God. So the next time you're tempted to think, "How dare he do that to me? What's the matter with him?" come down off your high horse and forgive like Christ.
Conflict has been on my mind a lot in the past year. I've been forced to think long and hard about how I've personally handled conflict with others and the damage that has been done. And I've seen others in the midst of conflict suffer the slings and arrows, not of outrageous misfortune, but of one another's hard heartedness. But through the gospel of Jesus Christ, we can face conflict head-on but humbly with a power that can only come from God. If God can turn his conflict with rebellious man into an eternal bride and the conflict with Saul into the apostle Paul and the conflict between Jews and Gentiles into the church, surely he can handle anything we throw his way. Don't you believe it?
Monday, January 4, 2010
People are Starving for the Greatness of God
"So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate. Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths" (Genesis 3:6).
"For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things. Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen" (Romans 1:21-25).
It might be impossible to overstate the devastating effects of the Fall of man into sin. Mankind has suffered thousands of years of misery, conflict and death as a result of that first sin. As I've pondered this over the last week, an interesting thought occurred to me. Man spends his entire life since the Fall: 1) trying to recover from the Fall, or 2) trying to escape the realities of the Fall for a little while. Try to think of something that you do that doesn't fit into one of those categories. You either work to improve your life or work to escape it (either mentally or physically). That's pretty much all you do.
One of the worst effects of the Fall is the futility of the mind and darkness of the heart. Notice what happened when Adam and Eve exchanged the truth about God for a lie. God "gave them up" to that futile darkness. We still suffer the same consequences today as we still follow the same foolish path of our first parents today. We are cursed by our own minds and led astray by our own hearts. This is true for Christians as well as non-Christians. I want to narrow our thoughts about this to one area: Christian living.
Go to the "Christian" bookstore. What do you see when you get beyond the pictures and candles and trinkets and cards? Hopefully you see some books. But what kind of books do you see there? If the store owner wants to stay in business, you see books the store owner thinks his customers will buy. So the supply of books is set by the demand of the consumer. This is important to think about because it tells us something about ourselves. Usually there will be a little shelf off in the corner somewhere labeled "Doctrine" or "Theology" or something like that. You won't find many books on that shelf. But the main section of the store will be broken down into "Fiction" "Christian living" "Ministry" "Marriage and Family" "Money" "Teen" "Counseling" "Charismatic" and things like that. This is where the store makes its living on books. The how-to section.
How do I manage my money? Go to the money section. How do I get along with my wife or how do I handle my unruly teen or how do I become a better housewife? Go to the family section. How do I have a good quiet time? Go to the Christian living section. How do I grow my church from 10 to 1,000? Go to the ministry section. How do I escape the reality of my pathetic life for awhile? Go to the fiction section. How do I fulfill my lust for romance novels without feeling guilty? Go to the Christian romance section where you can read about the new hunk pastor that comes to town on a white horse. How do I get the Holy Spirit to give me the desires of my heart? Go to the charismatic section. Do you get the idea? These are the books the stores carry because these are the books Christians think they need to get through life or mentally escape it for awhile.
Now, compare the above paragraph with this quote: "People are starving for the greatness of God. But most of them would not give this diagnosis of their troubled lives. The majesty of God is an unknown cure. There are far more popular prescriptions on the market, but the benefit of any other remedy is brief and shallow... The greatness and glory of God are relevant. It does not matter if surveys turn up a list of perceived needs that does not include the supreme greatness of the sovereign God of grace. That is the deepest need. Our people are starving for God... Man-centered humans are amazed that God should withhold life and joy from his creatures. But the God-centered Bible is amazed that God should withhold judgment from sinners. One of the implications this has for preaching is that preachers who take their cue from the Bible and not from the world will always be wrestling with spiritual realities that many of their hearers do not even know exist or think essential." This quote is from John Piper's book The Supremacy of God in Preaching. This is one of the greatest books on preaching even though it is small.
I brought up the bookstore to point out that our buying habits display a fundamental flaw in our quest for fulfillment. How-to books cannot restore the wonder and majesty of God. They have their place. They can give some nitty-gritty advice on how to live after one has a big God swelling up in their hearts. But I question if one with such a God growing in their hearts would even need the how-to book. When we start with a big God, everything else seems to fall into place. When we start with a little God, then we try to fill in the gaps with how-to manuals that eventually foster self-righteousness.
As a Christian, seek to have your vision of God's glory and majesty and beauty expanded in your heart. Find books that will do this, starting with the Bible. If your pastor preaches sermons that seem heavy on God and light on application, don't chastise him for it. Thank him for it. If your pastor preaches little puff pieces with more jokes and self-actualization techniques then God, lovingly and privately challenge him to bring God to the center. Put down the Christian living book you're reading and pick up a book out of that oft-neglected "Doctrine" section and let your heart race with the big God you find there. Only a big God bringing a big gospel can enlighten our Fall-darkened hearts and correct our Fall-induced futile minds.
"For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things. Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen" (Romans 1:21-25).
It might be impossible to overstate the devastating effects of the Fall of man into sin. Mankind has suffered thousands of years of misery, conflict and death as a result of that first sin. As I've pondered this over the last week, an interesting thought occurred to me. Man spends his entire life since the Fall: 1) trying to recover from the Fall, or 2) trying to escape the realities of the Fall for a little while. Try to think of something that you do that doesn't fit into one of those categories. You either work to improve your life or work to escape it (either mentally or physically). That's pretty much all you do.
One of the worst effects of the Fall is the futility of the mind and darkness of the heart. Notice what happened when Adam and Eve exchanged the truth about God for a lie. God "gave them up" to that futile darkness. We still suffer the same consequences today as we still follow the same foolish path of our first parents today. We are cursed by our own minds and led astray by our own hearts. This is true for Christians as well as non-Christians. I want to narrow our thoughts about this to one area: Christian living.
Go to the "Christian" bookstore. What do you see when you get beyond the pictures and candles and trinkets and cards? Hopefully you see some books. But what kind of books do you see there? If the store owner wants to stay in business, you see books the store owner thinks his customers will buy. So the supply of books is set by the demand of the consumer. This is important to think about because it tells us something about ourselves. Usually there will be a little shelf off in the corner somewhere labeled "Doctrine" or "Theology" or something like that. You won't find many books on that shelf. But the main section of the store will be broken down into "Fiction" "Christian living" "Ministry" "Marriage and Family" "Money" "Teen" "Counseling" "Charismatic" and things like that. This is where the store makes its living on books. The how-to section.
How do I manage my money? Go to the money section. How do I get along with my wife or how do I handle my unruly teen or how do I become a better housewife? Go to the family section. How do I have a good quiet time? Go to the Christian living section. How do I grow my church from 10 to 1,000? Go to the ministry section. How do I escape the reality of my pathetic life for awhile? Go to the fiction section. How do I fulfill my lust for romance novels without feeling guilty? Go to the Christian romance section where you can read about the new hunk pastor that comes to town on a white horse. How do I get the Holy Spirit to give me the desires of my heart? Go to the charismatic section. Do you get the idea? These are the books the stores carry because these are the books Christians think they need to get through life or mentally escape it for awhile.
Now, compare the above paragraph with this quote: "People are starving for the greatness of God. But most of them would not give this diagnosis of their troubled lives. The majesty of God is an unknown cure. There are far more popular prescriptions on the market, but the benefit of any other remedy is brief and shallow... The greatness and glory of God are relevant. It does not matter if surveys turn up a list of perceived needs that does not include the supreme greatness of the sovereign God of grace. That is the deepest need. Our people are starving for God... Man-centered humans are amazed that God should withhold life and joy from his creatures. But the God-centered Bible is amazed that God should withhold judgment from sinners. One of the implications this has for preaching is that preachers who take their cue from the Bible and not from the world will always be wrestling with spiritual realities that many of their hearers do not even know exist or think essential." This quote is from John Piper's book The Supremacy of God in Preaching. This is one of the greatest books on preaching even though it is small.
I brought up the bookstore to point out that our buying habits display a fundamental flaw in our quest for fulfillment. How-to books cannot restore the wonder and majesty of God. They have their place. They can give some nitty-gritty advice on how to live after one has a big God swelling up in their hearts. But I question if one with such a God growing in their hearts would even need the how-to book. When we start with a big God, everything else seems to fall into place. When we start with a little God, then we try to fill in the gaps with how-to manuals that eventually foster self-righteousness.
As a Christian, seek to have your vision of God's glory and majesty and beauty expanded in your heart. Find books that will do this, starting with the Bible. If your pastor preaches sermons that seem heavy on God and light on application, don't chastise him for it. Thank him for it. If your pastor preaches little puff pieces with more jokes and self-actualization techniques then God, lovingly and privately challenge him to bring God to the center. Put down the Christian living book you're reading and pick up a book out of that oft-neglected "Doctrine" section and let your heart race with the big God you find there. Only a big God bringing a big gospel can enlighten our Fall-darkened hearts and correct our Fall-induced futile minds.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
The Day Alone
Anyone who knows me knows my fascination with everything written by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. Bonhoeffer was a German pastor in the mid 1900's who died at the hands of the nazi's at the close of WWII. While I disagree with some important points of his theology, the one thing I find myself in nearly complete agreement with is his excellent book, Life Together. This book flowed from his practical experience as the leader of a tight-knit seminary. In this book, we find so much treasure on how to get along as Christians in community. Things like: what makes Christian community distinct from other kinds of groups, healthy love that serves versus 'selfish' love that consumes, the tragedy of trying to make others live up to your wishful image of love and community, the danger of allowing your mouth to utter even one word of gossip or slander, the activities a Christian community should do together, the struggle for self-justification at others' expense, the battle for 'weak' Christians to claim power over the 'strong' ones, how 'strong' Christians can dominate the 'weak' ones, the freedom of one Christian from another while living in community, the necessity of public confession and the blessing of the Lord's Supper taken in unity.
Each of these topics is enough for book-length study on its own, and I've piddled around with several of them in past posts. But the one topic that has recently struck me anew is one I haven't mentioned yet: the day alone. Bonhoeffer's chapter entitled, "The Day Alone" is a testament to his depth of thought and insight into human nature. He really thought a lot about these things. I've read numerous books on 'the church' or 'small groups' or 'Christian community' or 'fellowship' and you might have, too. But how many books on being a community have deep appreciation for being alone?
Bonhoeffer wrote, "Many persons seek community because they are afraid of loneliness. Because they can no longer endure being alone, such people are driven to seek the company of others. Christians, too, who cannot cope on their own, and who in their own lives have had some bad experiences, hope to experience help with this in the company of other people. More often than not, they are disappointed. They then blame the community for what is really their own fault. The Christian community is not a spiritual sanatorium. Those who take refuge in community while fleeing from themselves are misusing it to indulge in empty talk and distraction, no matter how spiritual this idle talk and distraction may appear. In reality they are not seeking community at all, but only a thrill that will allow them to forget their isolation for a short time. It is precisely such misuse of community that creates deadly isolation of human beings. Such attempts to find healing result in the undermining of speech and all genuine experience and, finally, resignation and spiritual death. Whoever cannot be alone should beware of community (italics in the original)."
Every sentence is filled with weight, and you find yourself saying, Wow, after each one. The last sentence is heaviest. My paraphrase: If you can't be alone, you'll suck being around others. That's not my attempt to sound cool. I mean that if you can't be alone for any length of time, content with just you and God, then you will suck from others what you can't get from yourself or God. This is idolatry, making another person or group give you some sense of security or peace or pleasure or significance. It's selfish.
And when you realize the person you're with (like a spouse) or the group you're with (like a church) isn't giving you what you think is your right, then you'll get scared and try your hardest to get them to perform like you think they should. You'll bribe: "Honey, why don't we go out tonight?" (for a spouse). Or "Why don't all of you in my small group come over for dinner?" (for a church). And then you'll measure everything that's said and done to see if it gives you some feeling of comfort. Sometimes that can last for awhile. But when such bribes don't eventually provide the payoff you're looking for, you'll manipulate: "Honey, we used to be so close, and now I feel so far away from you." (for a spouse). Or "I wonder why our church doesn't seem as loving as we used to." (for a church). So you're always expecting someone else to make you feel loved and accepted.
Now, most people love bribes or can't long stand manipulation without caving in, so this kind of unhealthy, idolatrous community can go on for some time unchecked. It's like a cancer in a marriage or a church. But eventually, something has to give, because your spouse, and your Christian community cannot be your God and the problem is you. When the bribes and manipulations don't seem to get you the community you're sure you deserve, you try to punish: "Oh, I didn't even realize we haven't spoken in days, is there something you want to talk about?" (for a spouse). Or "Let's skip church a few weeks and see if anyone even misses us." (for a church). Punishments are painful. Nobody likes them, least of all those who don't know why they're being punished. Most people who can't stand being alone punish people who don't even get it. So it's not going to work. You're just going to make yourself miserable while everyone around you wonders why.
When bribes, manipulations and punishments fail to fulfill the demand for a certain kind of community, it's time for separation: "I want a divorce because we're like two strangers living under the same roof." (for a spouse). Or "We need to find a church that actually loves and accepts us, where we can be ministered to." (for a church). So when you can't stand being alone, you go on a quest for the next spouse or church, hoping you'll finally find your 'soul mate' (for a spouse) or 'a real church home' (for a church).
If you'd just stop in your tracks, stop looking for another human being or group of human beings to bring you what they cannot, then you will have time to look in the right direction. The heart and soul of the day alone is the Word of God. Just you, sitting silently and humbly before God and his Word. What happens when you sit silent and humble before the Word of God? You are confronted. Not your spouse. Not your neighbor. Not your church. YOU. Pride goes to the Word of God to find fault with others, how they're not living up to your expectations. God says the Bible is a sword, but not for you to use against your brothers and sisters in Christ. It's a sword for each Christian to use to kill his own wicked selfishness so that when individual Christians come together, their flesh is too mutilated to kill each other with thoughts and words.
So if you're going to Scripture to accuse your spouse or your brethren, STOP IT! Go to Scripture begging God to help you be satisfied with him alone, so you have no need or desire to judge your brother or sister. Sinners go to the Word of God to talk, using Scripture like lawyers trying to bring suit against others. Saints go to the Word of God to silently listen to God bring them the cut of confrontation and the grace to cover the wound.
Sit before the Word of God and soak it in. Let it pierce and let it heal. Thank God for his beautiful gospel. You know the one, the gospel that tells of a Warrior King who knew how to spend his day alone, who eventually died alone on a cross. You know that gospel don't you? It's the news about the Savior who continues to accept you even though you've proven yourself entirely unacceptable to him. It's the news about a Husband who stays with his bride even when she proves to be a whore. Remember? It's that story about a Savior who laid down his life so that his followers could go to Heaven while using and consuming one another with misguided notions of marriage and fellowship.
The next time you wonder why you aren't feeling loved, the next time you go looking for a cause to your loneliness, the next time you're tempted to blame your spouse or your church for your lack of satisfaction, stop in your tracks and ponder whether you might not be ready to assess the quality of community because you've not yet figured out how to spend the day alone.
Each of these topics is enough for book-length study on its own, and I've piddled around with several of them in past posts. But the one topic that has recently struck me anew is one I haven't mentioned yet: the day alone. Bonhoeffer's chapter entitled, "The Day Alone" is a testament to his depth of thought and insight into human nature. He really thought a lot about these things. I've read numerous books on 'the church' or 'small groups' or 'Christian community' or 'fellowship' and you might have, too. But how many books on being a community have deep appreciation for being alone?
Bonhoeffer wrote, "Many persons seek community because they are afraid of loneliness. Because they can no longer endure being alone, such people are driven to seek the company of others. Christians, too, who cannot cope on their own, and who in their own lives have had some bad experiences, hope to experience help with this in the company of other people. More often than not, they are disappointed. They then blame the community for what is really their own fault. The Christian community is not a spiritual sanatorium. Those who take refuge in community while fleeing from themselves are misusing it to indulge in empty talk and distraction, no matter how spiritual this idle talk and distraction may appear. In reality they are not seeking community at all, but only a thrill that will allow them to forget their isolation for a short time. It is precisely such misuse of community that creates deadly isolation of human beings. Such attempts to find healing result in the undermining of speech and all genuine experience and, finally, resignation and spiritual death. Whoever cannot be alone should beware of community (italics in the original)."
Every sentence is filled with weight, and you find yourself saying, Wow, after each one. The last sentence is heaviest. My paraphrase: If you can't be alone, you'll suck being around others. That's not my attempt to sound cool. I mean that if you can't be alone for any length of time, content with just you and God, then you will suck from others what you can't get from yourself or God. This is idolatry, making another person or group give you some sense of security or peace or pleasure or significance. It's selfish.
And when you realize the person you're with (like a spouse) or the group you're with (like a church) isn't giving you what you think is your right, then you'll get scared and try your hardest to get them to perform like you think they should. You'll bribe: "Honey, why don't we go out tonight?" (for a spouse). Or "Why don't all of you in my small group come over for dinner?" (for a church). And then you'll measure everything that's said and done to see if it gives you some feeling of comfort. Sometimes that can last for awhile. But when such bribes don't eventually provide the payoff you're looking for, you'll manipulate: "Honey, we used to be so close, and now I feel so far away from you." (for a spouse). Or "I wonder why our church doesn't seem as loving as we used to." (for a church). So you're always expecting someone else to make you feel loved and accepted.
Now, most people love bribes or can't long stand manipulation without caving in, so this kind of unhealthy, idolatrous community can go on for some time unchecked. It's like a cancer in a marriage or a church. But eventually, something has to give, because your spouse, and your Christian community cannot be your God and the problem is you. When the bribes and manipulations don't seem to get you the community you're sure you deserve, you try to punish: "Oh, I didn't even realize we haven't spoken in days, is there something you want to talk about?" (for a spouse). Or "Let's skip church a few weeks and see if anyone even misses us." (for a church). Punishments are painful. Nobody likes them, least of all those who don't know why they're being punished. Most people who can't stand being alone punish people who don't even get it. So it's not going to work. You're just going to make yourself miserable while everyone around you wonders why.
When bribes, manipulations and punishments fail to fulfill the demand for a certain kind of community, it's time for separation: "I want a divorce because we're like two strangers living under the same roof." (for a spouse). Or "We need to find a church that actually loves and accepts us, where we can be ministered to." (for a church). So when you can't stand being alone, you go on a quest for the next spouse or church, hoping you'll finally find your 'soul mate' (for a spouse) or 'a real church home' (for a church).
If you'd just stop in your tracks, stop looking for another human being or group of human beings to bring you what they cannot, then you will have time to look in the right direction. The heart and soul of the day alone is the Word of God. Just you, sitting silently and humbly before God and his Word. What happens when you sit silent and humble before the Word of God? You are confronted. Not your spouse. Not your neighbor. Not your church. YOU. Pride goes to the Word of God to find fault with others, how they're not living up to your expectations. God says the Bible is a sword, but not for you to use against your brothers and sisters in Christ. It's a sword for each Christian to use to kill his own wicked selfishness so that when individual Christians come together, their flesh is too mutilated to kill each other with thoughts and words.
So if you're going to Scripture to accuse your spouse or your brethren, STOP IT! Go to Scripture begging God to help you be satisfied with him alone, so you have no need or desire to judge your brother or sister. Sinners go to the Word of God to talk, using Scripture like lawyers trying to bring suit against others. Saints go to the Word of God to silently listen to God bring them the cut of confrontation and the grace to cover the wound.
Sit before the Word of God and soak it in. Let it pierce and let it heal. Thank God for his beautiful gospel. You know the one, the gospel that tells of a Warrior King who knew how to spend his day alone, who eventually died alone on a cross. You know that gospel don't you? It's the news about the Savior who continues to accept you even though you've proven yourself entirely unacceptable to him. It's the news about a Husband who stays with his bride even when she proves to be a whore. Remember? It's that story about a Savior who laid down his life so that his followers could go to Heaven while using and consuming one another with misguided notions of marriage and fellowship.
The next time you wonder why you aren't feeling loved, the next time you go looking for a cause to your loneliness, the next time you're tempted to blame your spouse or your church for your lack of satisfaction, stop in your tracks and ponder whether you might not be ready to assess the quality of community because you've not yet figured out how to spend the day alone.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
What is a Woman's High Calling?
I've been reading some interesting stuff on the net lately about spouse roles. Only recently have I been struck by a disturbing theme that seems to be quite common. The theme has been there all along, I suppose. But only recently have I seen it as off-based. I'm not going to give a list of links and specific quotes because I don't want to seem like I'm picking on anyone, and it's quite a common assertion. I don't think it needs to be personal. Instead, I'll give a few general phrases that I see repeated in some form in many essays and articles, and interact with them. Again, these are not actual quotes of anyone, but only my rephrasing of what I've read and heard through the years. I'm sure they're familiar enough for most Christians to grasp my point.
1. "Motherhood is the woman's high calling."
2. "As a woman, my time, talent and ability couldn't be any better spent than keeping a home and taking care of children."
3. "It's God's design that, as women, we are all to be keepers of the home."
4. "We should be raising our daughters to be wives and mothers."
I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture. On the surface, these phrases seem to be counter-cultural and consistent with a biblical worldview. They're also pretty widely accepted in most conservative Christian circles. So what could I possibly pick apart in such assertions?
The primary problem I have is that, though they seem so conservative and hearken back to a golden age of Americana, they just don't jive so well with a gospel-centered worldview. Now that's strange to say, because I've actually seen these assertions defended as the most gospel-centered view of womanhood. But the folks making that claim don't usually go to the most gospel-centered texts to prove it. Instead, they go to texts dealing with the creation of Adam and Eve or Proverbs 31 or Titus 2 or 1 Timothy 2:15.
So what texts would I bring up to refute the above phrases? I'm only going to go in depth with one text. The most obvious one for me is 1 Corinthians 7.
1. Paul says that as a concession, he wishes that all people would be like Paul - single (7:7) But if people are going to burn with passion, then they should marry. Are women included in this text? Of course. Then how could a woman's high calling be motherhood if it's not even a woman's responsibility to get married?
2. Paul speaks so strongly about remaining single that he has to remind his readers that if they do actually marry they aren't sinning (7:28). Paul is so cautious about marriage because: "in view of the present distress it is good for a person to remain as he is" (7:26). Some think the distress is some local problem like persecution. That's possible, but it's just as likely that he's referring to the imminent return of Christ. Paul's gospel-centered, heavenly-minded focus is so intense that his readers are going to take him as anti-marriage. That's why he has to further explain his position. "The appointed time has grown very short. From now on, let those who have wives live as though they had none.... For the present form of this world is passing away" (7:29, 31). "Yet those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that" (7:28). In other words, the gospel is turning the world upside down, and there's not time to lose in our missional mandate. So it might not be the best thing for Christians to get bogged down with relationship burdens. No matter how noble we think marriage is, it's still just a form of this world that is passing away. That has to mean that no matter how high a calling we think motherhood is, it also is just a form of this world that is passing away. How can a woman be faulted for not being a mother when she's rarely encouraged in the New Testament to even get married?
3. Paul doesn't stop there. So people who get married are going to have "worldly troubles." Like what? What kind of "worldly troubles"? "I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband" (7:32-34). Paul clearly sees an advantage for the gospel in being unmarried. I wonder exactly what Paul had in mind when writing of divided interests in pleasing a spouse. Might he have been thinking about being tied down to a household chore list? A married person is simply not as free to follow the cause of the gospel wherever it leads as a single person. Now, I've seen it said that women should get married and have all sorts of kids so that they can then preach the gospel to them and the church will grow. There's simply no biblical command that comes close to justifying such a suggestion.
4. I can hear some of the complaints now. "Darby, are you saying you agree with the feminazis out there messing up the culture?" No, I'm not. "Are you saying that Paul thought women and men had the same roles?" No, I'm not. "Do you realize how chaotic and disorderly your version of this text would make things?" No, I don't. And neither does Paul. In fact, Paul is writing all this anti-marriage stuff, "not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord" (7:35). This is so contrary to our conservative Christian - Focus on the Family - take back the culture sensibilities. We think we can practice good order by focusing on the family. And Paul says we can only have good order with undivided devotion to the Lord, whether we have a family or not.
5. One practical outcome of our modern "pro-family" rather than "pro-gospel" perspective is the difficulty in inspiring couples to be missionaries. Good Christians will say things like: "Well I'm not sure if God is calling me to go to Yemen, but I know he's calling me to be a good mother to my children. If I'd take them to Yemen, I'd put them in all sorts of dangers, so we're just going to stay right here in the suburbs and keep a clean house and a manicured lawn and healthy babies. That's my high calling after all."
I realize any post about such a big and important subject as this is going to be incomplete and open to disagreement. I've left a lot unsaid. But my goal is to stir up further thought on this rather than give an exhaustive explanation beyond refutation. So what do you think?
1. "Motherhood is the woman's high calling."
2. "As a woman, my time, talent and ability couldn't be any better spent than keeping a home and taking care of children."
3. "It's God's design that, as women, we are all to be keepers of the home."
4. "We should be raising our daughters to be wives and mothers."
I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture. On the surface, these phrases seem to be counter-cultural and consistent with a biblical worldview. They're also pretty widely accepted in most conservative Christian circles. So what could I possibly pick apart in such assertions?
The primary problem I have is that, though they seem so conservative and hearken back to a golden age of Americana, they just don't jive so well with a gospel-centered worldview. Now that's strange to say, because I've actually seen these assertions defended as the most gospel-centered view of womanhood. But the folks making that claim don't usually go to the most gospel-centered texts to prove it. Instead, they go to texts dealing with the creation of Adam and Eve or Proverbs 31 or Titus 2 or 1 Timothy 2:15.
So what texts would I bring up to refute the above phrases? I'm only going to go in depth with one text. The most obvious one for me is 1 Corinthians 7.
1. Paul says that as a concession, he wishes that all people would be like Paul - single (7:7) But if people are going to burn with passion, then they should marry. Are women included in this text? Of course. Then how could a woman's high calling be motherhood if it's not even a woman's responsibility to get married?
2. Paul speaks so strongly about remaining single that he has to remind his readers that if they do actually marry they aren't sinning (7:28). Paul is so cautious about marriage because: "in view of the present distress it is good for a person to remain as he is" (7:26). Some think the distress is some local problem like persecution. That's possible, but it's just as likely that he's referring to the imminent return of Christ. Paul's gospel-centered, heavenly-minded focus is so intense that his readers are going to take him as anti-marriage. That's why he has to further explain his position. "The appointed time has grown very short. From now on, let those who have wives live as though they had none.... For the present form of this world is passing away" (7:29, 31). "Yet those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that" (7:28). In other words, the gospel is turning the world upside down, and there's not time to lose in our missional mandate. So it might not be the best thing for Christians to get bogged down with relationship burdens. No matter how noble we think marriage is, it's still just a form of this world that is passing away. That has to mean that no matter how high a calling we think motherhood is, it also is just a form of this world that is passing away. How can a woman be faulted for not being a mother when she's rarely encouraged in the New Testament to even get married?
3. Paul doesn't stop there. So people who get married are going to have "worldly troubles." Like what? What kind of "worldly troubles"? "I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband" (7:32-34). Paul clearly sees an advantage for the gospel in being unmarried. I wonder exactly what Paul had in mind when writing of divided interests in pleasing a spouse. Might he have been thinking about being tied down to a household chore list? A married person is simply not as free to follow the cause of the gospel wherever it leads as a single person. Now, I've seen it said that women should get married and have all sorts of kids so that they can then preach the gospel to them and the church will grow. There's simply no biblical command that comes close to justifying such a suggestion.
4. I can hear some of the complaints now. "Darby, are you saying you agree with the feminazis out there messing up the culture?" No, I'm not. "Are you saying that Paul thought women and men had the same roles?" No, I'm not. "Do you realize how chaotic and disorderly your version of this text would make things?" No, I don't. And neither does Paul. In fact, Paul is writing all this anti-marriage stuff, "not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord" (7:35). This is so contrary to our conservative Christian - Focus on the Family - take back the culture sensibilities. We think we can practice good order by focusing on the family. And Paul says we can only have good order with undivided devotion to the Lord, whether we have a family or not.
5. One practical outcome of our modern "pro-family" rather than "pro-gospel" perspective is the difficulty in inspiring couples to be missionaries. Good Christians will say things like: "Well I'm not sure if God is calling me to go to Yemen, but I know he's calling me to be a good mother to my children. If I'd take them to Yemen, I'd put them in all sorts of dangers, so we're just going to stay right here in the suburbs and keep a clean house and a manicured lawn and healthy babies. That's my high calling after all."
I realize any post about such a big and important subject as this is going to be incomplete and open to disagreement. I've left a lot unsaid. But my goal is to stir up further thought on this rather than give an exhaustive explanation beyond refutation. So what do you think?
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Is Divorce a Bigger Sin Than Adultery?
Statement 1: Adultery is a tragic betrayal of trust and an evil violence done to a marriage covenant. There is never an excuse for it and that sin alone is enough to send a person to hell for all eternity without a Savior to cover for it.
Statement 2: Divorce is a tragic betrayal of trust and an evil violence done to a marriage covenant. There is never an excuse for it and that sin alone is enough to send a person to hell for all eternity without a Savior to cover for it.
I think it's safe to assume most Christians would whole-heartedly agree with Statement 1 as written. Statement 2, on the other hand, would be less supported as written. I think the part that would draw fire is calling divorce a sin and saying there is never an excuse for it. There are Christians who think there are all kinds of excuses for divorce. There are other Christians who think divorce is a sin except for the when a spouse commits adultery. Adultery is the only excuse for divorce. There are also Christians who think divorce is always a sin, and adultery isn't a get out of marriage free card.
While discussing the posts found here, here and here; the question was asked, "Is the one choosing the divorce committing a bigger sin than the one committing the adultery? Shouldn't they receive the same grace?"
I've thought long and hard about that question and hope this response is helpful because I know there are many who wonder the same thing as the person who asked it. So here goes. There is a subtle danger at the bottom of that question. The question assumes divorce is not the best choice, but the necessary choice in order to punish the adulterer and get revenge. "You slept around and hurt me very deeply. So I'm going to divorce you and hurt you back." "You slept around and broke my trust. So I'm going to divorce you and make you lay in the bed you've made." "You slept around and really I'm glad because I've been dying for an excuse to get out of this marriage and still look like the good guy." Of course no one says the last one, but I guarantee you based on things I've personally heard, people think this way. That's the point I took away from the original posts we're discussing.
When one spouse commits adultery, it often ends up showing just how little both spouses care for the covenant they've made for "better or worse till death do us part." Think of it this way. Tom commits adultery. He obviously has little respect for the covenant he made with his wife and little fear of God. When Tom's wife, Jerry, finds out about the affair, she wants a divorce. She also has little respect for the covenant she made with her husband and little fear of God. Otherwise she would do everything she possibly could to keep that covenant intact. Instead, she's just as quick to search for a way out as Tom. Tom grew weary with keeping his covenant and decided to commit adultery. He'll probably give some lame excuse about not getting any or not feeling loved or feeling too much pressure or maybe he'll just fess up to being evil. Jerry has also grown weary of keeping her covenant and has decided to get a divorce. She's giving some lame excuse about not having a faithful husband. When both are so quick to give up the union that GOD joined together, it seems that Tom just beat Jerry to the punch, but neither are all that concerned about God's union. They're both concerned about their own personal glory.
So is the one who gets a divorce committing a bigger sin than the one who commits adultery? Why don't we let God decide on judgment day? Should they receive the same grace? Absolutely. But here's the practical problem this question poses. If Tom or Jerry has an affair, he or she can repent of that and work toward restoration, all the while remaining married. If Tom or Jerry gets a divorce, repentance would mean going back to the marriage covenant they broke. Repentance would not mean, "Oh I guess I shouldn't have gotten divorced, but no use crying over spilled milk. I might as well find a new wife and live happily ever after... or at least until the next affair."
In my experience, spouses who get divorced because of an affair don't think they need to repent of ending the marriage. They think of themselves as victims of their evil adulterous spouse who already ended the marriage with the adultery. But why is adultery the marriage-ending sin? Would someone actually argue that adultery is more damaging to the marriage than perpetual nagging or perpetual harshness or perpetual denial of intimacy? Really? I have a feeling the reason adultery is the one get out of marriage free card is because of a couple of statements that Jesus made. The question is this: If it is determined that Jesus didn't mean for his statements to be a get out of marriage free card when a spouse commits adultery, would the entire face of Christian marriage and divorce drastically change? I fear it would not. I don't think Christians get divorced because they're trying to faithfully live out a text of Scripture (divorce is never commanded). Christians get divorced for the same reason everyone gets divorced. They have hard hearts. Is the same grace necessary? Oh yeah.
Statement 2: Divorce is a tragic betrayal of trust and an evil violence done to a marriage covenant. There is never an excuse for it and that sin alone is enough to send a person to hell for all eternity without a Savior to cover for it.
I think it's safe to assume most Christians would whole-heartedly agree with Statement 1 as written. Statement 2, on the other hand, would be less supported as written. I think the part that would draw fire is calling divorce a sin and saying there is never an excuse for it. There are Christians who think there are all kinds of excuses for divorce. There are other Christians who think divorce is a sin except for the when a spouse commits adultery. Adultery is the only excuse for divorce. There are also Christians who think divorce is always a sin, and adultery isn't a get out of marriage free card.
While discussing the posts found here, here and here; the question was asked, "Is the one choosing the divorce committing a bigger sin than the one committing the adultery? Shouldn't they receive the same grace?"
I've thought long and hard about that question and hope this response is helpful because I know there are many who wonder the same thing as the person who asked it. So here goes. There is a subtle danger at the bottom of that question. The question assumes divorce is not the best choice, but the necessary choice in order to punish the adulterer and get revenge. "You slept around and hurt me very deeply. So I'm going to divorce you and hurt you back." "You slept around and broke my trust. So I'm going to divorce you and make you lay in the bed you've made." "You slept around and really I'm glad because I've been dying for an excuse to get out of this marriage and still look like the good guy." Of course no one says the last one, but I guarantee you based on things I've personally heard, people think this way. That's the point I took away from the original posts we're discussing.
When one spouse commits adultery, it often ends up showing just how little both spouses care for the covenant they've made for "better or worse till death do us part." Think of it this way. Tom commits adultery. He obviously has little respect for the covenant he made with his wife and little fear of God. When Tom's wife, Jerry, finds out about the affair, she wants a divorce. She also has little respect for the covenant she made with her husband and little fear of God. Otherwise she would do everything she possibly could to keep that covenant intact. Instead, she's just as quick to search for a way out as Tom. Tom grew weary with keeping his covenant and decided to commit adultery. He'll probably give some lame excuse about not getting any or not feeling loved or feeling too much pressure or maybe he'll just fess up to being evil. Jerry has also grown weary of keeping her covenant and has decided to get a divorce. She's giving some lame excuse about not having a faithful husband. When both are so quick to give up the union that GOD joined together, it seems that Tom just beat Jerry to the punch, but neither are all that concerned about God's union. They're both concerned about their own personal glory.
So is the one who gets a divorce committing a bigger sin than the one who commits adultery? Why don't we let God decide on judgment day? Should they receive the same grace? Absolutely. But here's the practical problem this question poses. If Tom or Jerry has an affair, he or she can repent of that and work toward restoration, all the while remaining married. If Tom or Jerry gets a divorce, repentance would mean going back to the marriage covenant they broke. Repentance would not mean, "Oh I guess I shouldn't have gotten divorced, but no use crying over spilled milk. I might as well find a new wife and live happily ever after... or at least until the next affair."
In my experience, spouses who get divorced because of an affair don't think they need to repent of ending the marriage. They think of themselves as victims of their evil adulterous spouse who already ended the marriage with the adultery. But why is adultery the marriage-ending sin? Would someone actually argue that adultery is more damaging to the marriage than perpetual nagging or perpetual harshness or perpetual denial of intimacy? Really? I have a feeling the reason adultery is the one get out of marriage free card is because of a couple of statements that Jesus made. The question is this: If it is determined that Jesus didn't mean for his statements to be a get out of marriage free card when a spouse commits adultery, would the entire face of Christian marriage and divorce drastically change? I fear it would not. I don't think Christians get divorced because they're trying to faithfully live out a text of Scripture (divorce is never commanded). Christians get divorced for the same reason everyone gets divorced. They have hard hearts. Is the same grace necessary? Oh yeah.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Is the "Exception Clause" a Pastoral Pass on Adultery?
Here are some provocative thoughts about marriage, remarriage and divorce. Do you think these are good points?
Friday, July 17, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
A Scalpel or a Sword: Surgery or Slaughter?
What's the purpose of the Bible? What can a son or daughter of Adam expect from soaking in the Scriptures? This is an important question because we go to the Bible, not only with preconceived ideas about what it says, but also with predetermined expectations about what it will deliver. This is definitely seen in preaching and counseling. Preachers often hear things like, "I wasn't being fed over at First Holy Bible Church." "I don't want a sermon where I feel beat down or heavy." "The Bible should give us joy, not grief." "The preaching isn't lifting me up lately." "His preaching is too hard to take." "I need steel-toed shoes for his sermons." Each of these statements is pointing to an underlying expectation that the listener is placing on the sermon. And if the sermon is a faithful exposition of the Scripture, then the expectation is also an indictment of the Bible as well. In other words, a heavy text of Scripture should produce a heavy feeling in the heart, or it isn't being taken properly. But a listener of the Word who only wants to be "lifted up" will not be satisfied with that.
In his excellent book, Foundations for Soul Care: A Christian Psychology Proposal, Eric L. Johnson reminds us of "the biblical text as subversive interpreter." What does Johnson mean by subversive interpreter? To subvert is to overthrow or to undermine. So to say that the Bible is a subversive interpreter is to say it overthrows or undermines something. But what? Let's let the Bible speak for itself.
"For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account" (Heb. 4:12-13).
I've heard it said that the Bible is a scalpel in the hands of God - doing surgery on our souls. I don't know if that's the best metaphor. It seems to me that the writer of Hebrews didn't see the Bible as a surgical instrument as much as a slaughtering instrument. It's a two-edged sword. The Word of God is also called the sword of the Spirit. When Jesus returns, he's coming with a sword from his mouth. What are swords used for? Surgery? Healing? Of course not. Swords are used to kill, not heal.
I fear that we think of the Bible as a scalpel because 1) we think we need a precise instrument to meticulously cut out the evil amidst all the good inside of us, and 2) we'd rather our evil souls be healed than killed. I've been guilty of saying the Bible "does heart surgery on us." I've repented of such thinking. The Bible is a killer, and this life is a battlefield rather than an operating room.
I know this sounds radical, but think through this with me. The Bible is meant to subvert or overthrow and undermine that part of us that we've inherited in Adam. Bonhoeffer said that when Christ calls a man, he bids him to come and die. Jesus said in order to live for him, we must first die to ourselves. Anyone who gives up his life for Jesus' sake or the gospel's will gain eternal life. The Christian must go through daily crucifixion to be a disciple. Jesus calls out his disciples to death, and the Bible is the instrument of slaughter.
Here's where it gets tricky. We like to assume that Christians identify more with the Spirit than with the flesh. So we don't realize just how much of us still needs to be laid bare by the Bible. Most of us hear about the old self and new self, the flesh and the Spirit, this life and the life to come, earth and Heaven, old creation and new creation, and we convince ourselves that we're on the side of the new self, the Spirit, the life to come, Heaven and the new creation. We just assume that our default position is righteousness and humility. This is hogwash, and cannot be sustained by the Bible. Let's not forget that most of the Bible, including the New Testament, was written as a response to man's selfishness and pride!
So the Bible is designed by God to kill the old self that we love to coddle. We can't just assume that we want to hear what the Bible has to say, or a preacher or counselor or husband or wife who speaks the Bible to us. There is a very stubborn and evil core in us that doesn't want to be subverted. It helps us to know this up front. Reading and meditating on the Bible, though pleasant to part of us, is also almost always painful to another part of us. If all you get from the Bible is uplifting and positive feelings, you're likely not reading it rightly.
I'm a very positive thinking person, and very little gets me down for more than a couple minutes. However, I rarely read the Bible without the weight of it crushing my soul. Yes, the gospel brings me hope, but only after it has first thrashed my sin. Where's the hope in all this? The hope lies in the fact that Jesus doesn't let us live as rebels. His word kills the rebel within us, little by little now, and fully at the resurrection, so that we will be fit for eternal bliss in Heaven. My next post will flesh out how seeing the Bible as a sword works practically in the life of a Christian.
In his excellent book, Foundations for Soul Care: A Christian Psychology Proposal, Eric L. Johnson reminds us of "the biblical text as subversive interpreter." What does Johnson mean by subversive interpreter? To subvert is to overthrow or to undermine. So to say that the Bible is a subversive interpreter is to say it overthrows or undermines something. But what? Let's let the Bible speak for itself.
"For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account" (Heb. 4:12-13).
I've heard it said that the Bible is a scalpel in the hands of God - doing surgery on our souls. I don't know if that's the best metaphor. It seems to me that the writer of Hebrews didn't see the Bible as a surgical instrument as much as a slaughtering instrument. It's a two-edged sword. The Word of God is also called the sword of the Spirit. When Jesus returns, he's coming with a sword from his mouth. What are swords used for? Surgery? Healing? Of course not. Swords are used to kill, not heal.
I fear that we think of the Bible as a scalpel because 1) we think we need a precise instrument to meticulously cut out the evil amidst all the good inside of us, and 2) we'd rather our evil souls be healed than killed. I've been guilty of saying the Bible "does heart surgery on us." I've repented of such thinking. The Bible is a killer, and this life is a battlefield rather than an operating room.
I know this sounds radical, but think through this with me. The Bible is meant to subvert or overthrow and undermine that part of us that we've inherited in Adam. Bonhoeffer said that when Christ calls a man, he bids him to come and die. Jesus said in order to live for him, we must first die to ourselves. Anyone who gives up his life for Jesus' sake or the gospel's will gain eternal life. The Christian must go through daily crucifixion to be a disciple. Jesus calls out his disciples to death, and the Bible is the instrument of slaughter.
Here's where it gets tricky. We like to assume that Christians identify more with the Spirit than with the flesh. So we don't realize just how much of us still needs to be laid bare by the Bible. Most of us hear about the old self and new self, the flesh and the Spirit, this life and the life to come, earth and Heaven, old creation and new creation, and we convince ourselves that we're on the side of the new self, the Spirit, the life to come, Heaven and the new creation. We just assume that our default position is righteousness and humility. This is hogwash, and cannot be sustained by the Bible. Let's not forget that most of the Bible, including the New Testament, was written as a response to man's selfishness and pride!
So the Bible is designed by God to kill the old self that we love to coddle. We can't just assume that we want to hear what the Bible has to say, or a preacher or counselor or husband or wife who speaks the Bible to us. There is a very stubborn and evil core in us that doesn't want to be subverted. It helps us to know this up front. Reading and meditating on the Bible, though pleasant to part of us, is also almost always painful to another part of us. If all you get from the Bible is uplifting and positive feelings, you're likely not reading it rightly.
I'm a very positive thinking person, and very little gets me down for more than a couple minutes. However, I rarely read the Bible without the weight of it crushing my soul. Yes, the gospel brings me hope, but only after it has first thrashed my sin. Where's the hope in all this? The hope lies in the fact that Jesus doesn't let us live as rebels. His word kills the rebel within us, little by little now, and fully at the resurrection, so that we will be fit for eternal bliss in Heaven. My next post will flesh out how seeing the Bible as a sword works practically in the life of a Christian.
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