Wishful Dreaming

Are you thankful for your marriage? Do you thank God for your spouse? Can you stop what you're doing and thank God right now for your spouse in a specific way? If you find this difficult, think about this passage I've been contemplating. It's about Christian Community in general. However, as I've been contemplating it, I see its impact on marriage. From Life Together:

"Those who want more than what Christ has established between us do not want Christian community. They are looking for extraordinary experiences of community that were denied them elsewhere. Such people are bringing confused and tainted desires into the Christian community. . . . God hates this wishful dreaming because it makes the dreamer proud and pretentious. Those who dream of this idealized community demand that it be fulfilled by God, by others, and by themselves. They enter the community of Christians with their demands, set up their own law, and judge one another and even God accordingly. They stand adamant, a living reproach to all others in the circle of the community. They act as if they have to create the Christian community, as if their visionary ideal binds the people together. Whatever does not go their way, they call a failure. When their idealized image is shattered, they see the community breaking into pieces. So they first become accusers of other Christians in the community, then accusers of God, and finally the desperate accusers of themselves."

You could plug marriage in this quote where Christian community is referred to, and come up with interesting results.

"Those who want more than what Christ has established between us do not want Christian marriage. They are looking for extraordinary experiences of community that were denied them elsewhere. Such people are bringing confused and tainted desires into the Christian marriage. . . . God hates this wishful dreaming because it makes the dreamer proud and pretentious. Those who dream of this idealized marriage demand that it be fulfilled by God, by their spouse, and by themselves. They enter the marriage with their demands, set up their own law, and judge one another and even God accordingly. They stand adamant, a living reproach to their spouse. They act as if they have to create the Christian marriage, as if their visionary ideal binds the couple together. Whatever does not go their way, they call a failure. When their idealized image is shattered, they see the marriage breaking into pieces. So they first become accusers of their spouse, then accusers of God, and finally the desperate accusers of themselves."

Do you see how well marriage fits? Bonhoeffer made it clear that the only thing a Christian can do is be grateful for the community God puts him in. Marriage is no different than the broader Christian Community. It is a gift of God.

"And this second thing you do. You cover the Lord's altar with tears, with weeping and groaning because he no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. But you say, 'Why does he not?' Because the Lord was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion by covenant. Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring" (Malachi 2:15).

"And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, 'Is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?' He answered, 'Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate'" (Matthew 19:3-6).

We see in the above verses that God is the glue that holds marriage together. Marriage is not man's creation. It is God's handy work. So you are free to enjoy it, on God's terms. When you have a wishful image in your head of what marriage is supposed to be, you're in for bondage. Here's why. You're going to strive and yearn and labor and long for the ideal marriage found in your head. You're going to do everything in your power - beneficial or detrimental - to bring that ideal about. You're going to develop all sorts of standards and rules for you and your spouse to live by. You're going to constantly consult self-made barometers and assessments to see how closely your actual marriage is lining up with the ideal dream in your head. And when you're actual marriage isn't lining up with your dream, you're going to try to do surgery on it and try harder to fix it. When that doesn't work, you're going to punish your spouse, yourself and even God if you can. When your punishments don't do the trick, you're going to see your marriage as a stupid decision and either find a way out of it, or stay miserable in it.

Here's a better plan. Stop it! Stop trying to realize the dream in your head. Just be thankful for what God has given. Thank him for his grace. Thank him for your spouse. And then, go thank your spouse for putting up with you. And then go have good sex to the glory of God.